Sunday, July 26, 2009

I _______ my children

If you don't want to read my somewhat psychotic post, then just scroll down. Enjoy the pic of the cockroach I caught last night and Geof. forgot to flush until this morning, the trip to the berry farm, June's enormous goose egg she got from climbing on top of her toy car last night, and falling off onto the pavement (and then later tripping down a paved path by the river earlier today, hitting the same spot-poor girl!), and of course, our lovely, hysterical Dayne, entertaining us all on the tramp. Enjoy the pics and don't read the rest if you don't care to know...
I'm not a writer. I wish I was. I do appreciate and envy those who have the perfect word and way of expressing themselves. I've been a mess lately-wanting to post, but not knowing how to articulate it. You see, this post really is for me, not for you. I guess this blog has become more of a journal for me, and I need it, I crave it. However, my feelings these last 2-3 weeks have been some of the darkest, saddest, most alone feelings I've had since becoming a mother...and do I really want to post about that? Don't we all blog when we're feeling great about ourselves, when life's just "working out"? Isn't it kind of fun to post great pics of fun places we've been and cute things our kids say, and romantic gestures our husband shows us? That does build one's self image, doesn't it? Oh, for sure it does.

However, I've been a mean, nasty, you know what, lately. Rhymes with "witch". Geof. even admitted to daydreaming today of leaving me and the kids and sailing around the world (a dream of his that I used to be part of). And quite frankly, I couldn't even feel sorry for myself for him making that statement, or give him a nasty face and walk away waiting for an apology. I deserve it. The old saying, "If mama's not happy, no body's happy" COULDN'T be MORE TRUE!! Yes, we have been outside doing things I love; picking berries, going to the river, taking walks...but I've felt so empty doing them all.
I've felt like screaming, "what's the answer, God?! Tell me what to do!!", but I know what to do (mostly). I know what changes I can make in order to have PEACE. To feel LOVE. Now, if I wasn't so lazy, and stubborn, and carnal, it'd be but a moment and I'd be back into the swing of things. But for now, I'll slowly trudge myself out of this muck. I am alive, not dead, yet. I still care about my kids and their well-being. I still KNOW I married the best man I could marry and I really don't deserve him. And deep down, I know he wouldn't be happy if he left us..maybe for a week or so, but then he'd come back. But I need him back now-as he does me.



Our Blog Spot said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

I feel your pain.

Wait...back up. JUNES FACE!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! Your child!! ha ha ha I'm dying. That's hysterically so sad. So very sad.

Poor June.

Ok, back to my thoughts:
If you ask Chris, I'm sure he would (maybe after tourturing him) agree that I have become more psycho this last month, than ever before. Really. It's a little ridiculous. Let's just say that I really, REALLY don't do well with unstability. Hmmmmmm. Who knew?? Man, oh man. Your post just made me want to jump into the computer, go and find you, and WE would run away on a boat together. No kidos. No boyfriends.


Life goes on. Or so I've heard??

Ok, now this is a really long comment. Maybe I should get your e-mail....hmmmm. I feel like I should just keep writing and writing and writing.

But I will stop.

But seriously.

What is your e-mail?

Adam said...

I'm sure glad you post the thick and the thin. I know that post wasn't really for me to read, but it helped me tonight. It is so humbling to be a mom/wife. It seems like my gut reaction to every conflict is wrong (like yell, pick kids up and throw them, have arguments with husband in my head and start crying, etc.). I've found for me it all falls back on selfishness. If I let go of the "Me, Me, Me" I end up getting more out of my relationships and thus out of life. It is the hard way, no doubt, and I forget daily. Everything cycles, though, and you'll be back on the other side of the coin soon enough. We must taste the bitter so that we can know the sweet.

Mindi said...

That totally wasn't Adam that typed all that! I was signed into his account on accident :)

Brooke said...

Whatever, we know it was Adam and that he has fights with his husband in his head.
Darla, I've been there, I know. Mike starting school again and being unavailable while I trek around with the kids by myself has not been the greatest time for me. I agree with everything Mindi said and that you said. We know the answer, there's just this little bit of rebellion that keeps us from wanting to do the right thing (I'm having inner turmoil over reading my scriptures or finally delving back into a book that I haven't been able to pick up for three days). Everytime I get focused on "me Time" or not having that time I turn into the same monster you've mentioned. You can vent any time. We love you.

Lisa said...

Poor June!! Look at that face!

So, I'm sorry you are having a rough time. But I'm glad you posted about it. I always say I wish my mom had kept a blog that I could read now and see that her life with little kids wasn't perfect, because that's the way it seems sometimes. I guess they remember the best usually. But life with kids is not perfect. It's hard and frustrating, and rewarding (sometimes)! Hang in there, it will get better!

Shane said...

darla, how i love your honesty. i'm here for you...let's go for a loooong hike this week and sweat out our stress. you're not alone in your thoughts. i know being told that doesn't make it better...just know all mothers feel like the walls are closing in at times. and if they say they don't, they're not being as honest as you. you're not losing your mind. and, as your friend above said, you will get to the other side of the coin. you are a good writer, by the way. and, to boot, you are an amazing mother, person, and friend to moi, aimee

Hurliman Family Blog said...

Darla, first of all, I love you. Second you are a pretty damn good writer for someone who thinks she is not. And third I have 1 child running at my feet and feel inapt regularly. I know that your life is always seeming to test you, but you are always pulling it back together. You should know that you don't always have to and it will be okay. You will always be loved and appreciated by your family. And one day far in the future you and Geof will run away together still as madly in love as you are today, or yesterday for that matter. And as for the children Elery said the other day that children test our patients and he thinks thats why they were sent to us, and I 100 percent agree. But Darla, you are wonderful and loved by so many!!!

George said...

Thanks for your honesty and openness sweet daughter. These difficult moments too will pass. But please enjoy and try to learn from each memory and when you have the time continue to record these precious and sometimes difficult moments as you are doing. I wish I had something insightful to say to you, could provide some inspiration, share your load or the ability to wipe your tears when you hurt. We really appreciate and look forward to your delightful and insightful blog. I only wish we had had a similar vehicle (Blogspot) when you kids were growing up. In the meantime, I send my verbal "hug". I love you my precious child.

Andrea said...

Hi Darla. I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down. You'll pull through. I know you will. You're a good mom....and hilarious....and strong. I wish I was there to come over and help you fold laundry like the good old days :)

emily alex sarabia bunch said...

darla if you notice my blog says nothing because I wait for the all so perfect time to write about a wonderful day. Which every day has parts but a lot of it is pain and work. So I don't wont to complain. That is why I love to look back at my day and then I just remember the good. Sometimes during that day it is hard to see the joy when you are about to pass out with the work and wake up and start over. Your words helped I hope I made some sense I love my life and it is soooo dang hard and I am trying to pull the joy out of as much pain as I can. But it is truly worth it kind of like labor hurts like heck but you want the baby in the end. love you em

Geoffrey said...

For the record I now want to have Darla sale away with me.

Darla said...

ahem...sail, Geof. (;

Gina said...

Well, at least we all think the world of you while you have all of these sad feelings! said...

Love you Darla! Really, I know I have commented on a bunch of your posts, but only because i love seeing your family, and miss hanging out with you. I go through those times off and on also. Right now i am kinda in one of those times, and i'm trying to find my place and be content. thanks for posting!