If you don't want to read my somewhat psychotic post, then just scroll down. Enjoy the pic of the cockroach I caught last night and Geof. forgot to flush until this morning, the trip to the berry farm, June's enormous goose egg she got from climbing on top of her toy car last night, and falling off onto the pavement (and then later tripping down a paved path by the river earlier today, hitting the same spot-poor girl!), and of course, our lovely, hysterical Dayne, entertaining us all on the tramp. Enjoy the pics and don't read the rest if you don't care to know...
I'm not a writer. I wish I was. I do appreciate and envy those who have the perfect word and way of expressing themselves. I've been a mess lately-wanting to post, but not knowing how to articulate it. You see, this post really is for me, not for you. I guess this blog has become more of a journal for me, and I need it, I crave it. However, my feelings these last 2-3 weeks have been some of the darkest, saddest, most alone feelings I've had since becoming a mother...and do I really want to post about that? Don't we all blog when we're feeling great about ourselves, when life's just "working out"? Isn't it kind of fun to post great pics of fun places we've been and cute things our kids say, and romantic gestures our husband shows us? That does build one's self image, doesn't it? Oh, for sure it does.
However, I've been a mean, nasty, you know what, lately. Rhymes with "witch". Geof. even admitted to daydreaming today of leaving me and the kids and sailing around the world (a dream of his that I used to be part of). And quite frankly, I couldn't even feel sorry for myself for him making that statement, or give him a nasty face and walk away waiting for an apology. I deserve it. The old saying, "If mama's not happy, no body's happy" COULDN'T be MORE TRUE!! Yes, we have been outside doing things I love; picking berries, going to the river, taking walks...but I've felt so empty doing them all.
I've felt like screaming, "what's the answer, God?! Tell me what to do!!", but I know what to do (mostly). I know what changes I can make in order to have PEACE. To feel LOVE. Now, if I wasn't so lazy, and stubborn, and carnal, it'd be but a moment and I'd be back into the swing of things. But for now, I'll slowly trudge myself out of this muck. I am alive, not dead, yet. I still care about my kids and their well-being. I still KNOW I married the best man I could marry and I really don't deserve him. And deep down, I know he wouldn't be happy if he left us..maybe for a week or so, but then he'd come back. But I need him back now-as he does me.