Monday, November 2, 2009

A virtuous woman (bear with me on this one...)

The morning before I delivered June, I finished the book "The Red Tent". I realize that we all have our own tastes and opinions on what is considered "good reading", but in the end (which is all that matters) what I got out of it was something great. I sat that book down and had a deeper appreciation for women. It empowered me knowing that so many before me had done exactly what I was about to do. I was grateful to God for making me a woman and allowing me to bring this baby to earth, to gain a body, and to learn from me. Yes, those were all my thoughts BEFORE having June. I really did feel calm and happy...and strong. The rest of the story doesn't go as well as you would think, but that's not the point of this post.

Now, fast forward to tonight: I went over to our friend's to pick up Geof.'s paycheck (he works for one of our friends). It was just me, all alone. The three of us sat and talked and the discussion turned to Cole and what struggles we have with him. There's days (like today) where Geof. and I both feel like we've completely failed with him. He (and we) have both lost our temper countless times and although there's a lot of NOISE in our home, there's not a lot of communication. We don't understand Cole, and he doesn't understand himself. That's what it feels like. It's a sad feeling. I don't like it at all. I think about something someone once told me, that if I'm prayerful in raising my children, and allow the Holy Spirit to guide, that my children will grow to be great people one day. I hold on to that. I look at that as a promise. I believe it. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like a failure some days.
When I arrived home, Geof. was sleeping on the couch (poor guy has the flu). I walked into the kitchen and noticed that the cornbread was still scattered all over the floor from dinner (thanks, June), the chili bowls left on the table, food that SHOULD of been refrigerated, NOT refrigerated. "Oh, it never ends!", I told myself. I swept the floor. I wiped the table off. I cleaned the kitchen. And I thought about "The Red Tent", again. Crazy and cheesy as this sounds, I felt like all the millions of women before me were cheering me on and telling me it was okay, that they'd done it too. That I wasn't alone. I thought about my sister in law Mindi's words, "Make it, eat it, clean it up". Such is our lot in life! (; But I felt happy. I felt calm. I felt peace. I couldn't believe it! Thank you, God! I'm NOT alone!

There was a time, not too long ago that I would often say that God must have a special place (in heaven)prepared for women. The honest truth, though, is that I said that to make myself feel better for all the griping I did as a mom/wife/woman. Tonight was different. I do think God has a special place for women. It's right here! We can choose to love what we're doing. We can be happy each day! We can look at our children, who melt in our arms when we show just an inkling of love, and LOVE them back! My babies have given me something greater than anything I can imagine. They've shown me what it means to forgive and to love unconditionally. They do love me and many times, I don't deserve it, but how wonderful to be loved. Thank you for that Cole, Dayne, and June.

"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies." I can't agree more.

14 comments:

Steve and Katie Hoffman said...

i love it when you blog these thoughts of yours! it makes me miss you! i read the red tent years ago and loved it. i too love how it made me feel as a woman. i wasn't married and didn't have kids yet, but it made me feel so blessed to be a woman...

anyway...love you and your thoughts!

Emily said...

Darla, this was a lovely post. Beautifully said, no more going on about not being able to say things the way you want too...you know things like "how" instead of "hola"! And the mother/child picture looks exactly like something I'd walk into your house one day and find hanging on the wall somewhere...totally you! Way to find the joy in life as a wife-mother and it's grubby going's on! XXOO

Lisa said...

thanks for the reminder! It is a great thing to be a woman.

Ellynn said...

Darla that blog made me bawl. it was beautiful and profound. Don't you just love those tender mercies given just when we need them?!

Our Blog Spot said...

I have a crush on you.

Hurliman Family Blog said...

okay, I just cried too! Darla,today has been a great day for me. Mike got a better position at his work, my mom told me how proud she was of Mike and how much she loved him and mostly she was proud of me and my life, and that I am special and that is why all this has happened.She confused me and She made my day. And yet i am still having a hard time finding my self worth since this new baby came along for some reason so thank you for lifting my spirits with your feelings. And I too thank god for making me who I am and for CHOOSING me to be who I am. Love you! lets continue with the hartfeltness shall we lol

Lindsay said...

gosh, i really need to read this book.

kristenhcubed said...

Well said, beautiful lady. Well said.

Tricia said...

I found your blog through Heidi Crosby's. Hope you don't mind! I can echo so many of your thoughts. Sorry to hear Geof. is sick. It hit our family 2 weeks ago. ugh.

Brind+Julia said...

Darla, this is just what I needed. Your beautiful post made me cry... and also made me stop feeling sorry for myself. Violet has yet to sleep through the night and I am often frustrated, lonely and exhausted. Thinking about generations of women cheering me on gave me the chills and the inspiration to keep going! Thanks for the good words :) I love you!

Mindi said...

I cried too and REALLY needed to read that this morning. Thanks Darla!

Gina said...

Oh Darla. I think you and geof are the basics of what is good. You guys are so strong and to find hope in your trials is a blessing to hold and remember each day. Why do we keep forgetting that hope? Thank you for your words.

Kaisa Bailey said...

Darla....you're not the only mom that gets frustrated because you and your child aren't communicating!...or your child's just not communicating period. I feel the same frustrations and when I climb into bed at night I am SO physically and mentally exhausted....and then I say my prayers...and feel like okay...I can do this.
I have also felt like there is a special place for women...especially ones with "special spirits" (:
You got that baby because I am sure Heavenly Father knew you needed each other. That's really how I feel sometimes, okay most of the time.
I love you and always wish we lived closer...really I do!

jerusharen said...

This is beautiful.