The morning before I delivered June, I finished the book "The Red Tent". I realize that we all have our own tastes and opinions on what is considered "good reading", but in the end (which is all that matters) what I got out of it was something great. I sat that book down and had a deeper appreciation for women. It empowered me knowing that so many before me had done exactly what I was about to do. I was grateful to God for making me a woman and allowing me to bring this baby to earth, to gain a body, and to learn from me. Yes, those were all my thoughts BEFORE having June. I really did feel calm and happy...and strong. The rest of the story doesn't go as well as you would think, but that's not the point of this post.
Now, fast forward to tonight: I went over to our friend's to pick up Geof.'s paycheck (he works for one of our friends). It was just me, all alone. The three of us sat and talked and the discussion turned to Cole and what struggles we have with him. There's days (like today) where Geof. and I both feel like we've completely failed with him. He (and we) have both lost our temper countless times and although there's a lot of NOISE in our home, there's not a lot of communication. We don't understand Cole, and he doesn't understand himself. That's what it feels like. It's a sad feeling. I don't like it at all. I think about something someone once told me, that if I'm prayerful in raising my children, and allow the Holy Spirit to guide, that my children will grow to be great people one day. I hold on to that. I look at that as a promise. I believe it. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like a failure some days.
When I arrived home, Geof. was sleeping on the couch (poor guy has the flu). I walked into the kitchen and noticed that the cornbread was still scattered all over the floor from dinner (thanks, June), the chili bowls left on the table, food that SHOULD of been refrigerated, NOT refrigerated. "Oh, it never ends!", I told myself. I swept the floor. I wiped the table off. I cleaned the kitchen. And I thought about "The Red Tent", again. Crazy and cheesy as this sounds, I felt like all the millions of women before me were cheering me on and telling me it was okay, that they'd done it too. That I wasn't alone. I thought about my sister in law Mindi's words, "Make it, eat it, clean it up". Such is our lot in life! (; But I felt happy. I felt calm. I felt peace. I couldn't believe it! Thank you, God! I'm NOT alone!
There was a time, not too long ago that I would often say that God must have a special place (in heaven)prepared for women. The honest truth, though, is that I said that to make myself feel better for all the griping I did as a mom/wife/woman. Tonight was different. I do think God has a special place for women. It's right here! We can choose to love what we're doing. We can be happy each day! We can look at our children, who melt in our arms when we show just an inkling of love, and LOVE them back! My babies have given me something greater than anything I can imagine. They've shown me what it means to forgive and to love unconditionally. They do love me and many times, I don't deserve it, but how wonderful to be loved. Thank you for that Cole, Dayne, and June.
"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies." I can't agree more.